Aunt Emmy's Oysters
by books4evah
Summary: Cannibalism... cannibalism... cannibalism..." Sirius was muttering, rocking back and forth in his seat, still wearing the straight jacket. Sequel to Ancient Runes.


Disclaimer: I own nothing.

AN: Another one-shot based off the epilogue of Ancient Runes! Oh my! If you haven't yet read Ancient Runes, I suggest you read that before this.

**Aunt Emmy's Oysters**

"Marlene! What do you think?"

Marlene closely observed James tie. It was red and gold (James was a true Gryffindor at heart).

"It looks fine."

James stopped fiddling with his tie. "Not the tie! Where you even listening to me?"

"No. And sheesh! Stop with the questions!"

"I can't help it. I mean, what if Lily does run away, and leave me at the altar?"

Marlene groaned. "Shut up. Stop rambling. And, c'mon! Lily wouldn't agree to marry you if she didn't really want to!"

"Well, I suppose, but still…"

Marlene slapped him lightly across the face. Lily would kill her if the groom had a large red mark across his face on the day of the wedding because of her.

"Get yourself together, man! You stay here with Sirius, and I'm going to talk to Lily."

Marlene stomped out of the gazebo where she, James, and Sirius had been standing, to get James ready for the wedding. The gazebo was in the Potters' humongous backyard garden, and had been transformed into an altar for the purposes of the wedding.

Walking through the rows of chair set in front of the gazebo, Marlene admired the decorations. The other people in the wedding party had spent the last three hours perfecting it (Marlene and Sirius, being the best man and maid of honor were helping Lily and James get ready). The chairs were white, but the center aisle was on a stone pavement, and littered with red rose patterns. Both Lily and James preferred lilies, but, being true Gryffindors (and it was mostly James who decided this), the wedding colors were red, gold, and white. Of course, the mother of the groom had insisted on roses, saying they were important in her wedding, and will be important in James' wedding too.

Marlene stepped into a room just inside of the Potters' hallway, where Lily was currently getting ready.

"May I help?"

Lily spun around on her heel. "Marlene! Where were you! And can you help me tie the back of my dress?"

Marlene smiled, and grabbed the strings to the corseted back, pulling them with all her might.

"Sorry, Lily. I was helping James. He was getting worried."

"You mean, he was having second thoughts?" Lily sounded disappointed.

"No, he would never. Not about you, anyway. He had second thoughts in like second year, when he was going after you."

Lily smiled. "Well, what was he worried about?"

"He thought you'd leave him at the altar."

"But, I'd never do that!"

"Exactly, so, he has nothing to worry about."

Marlene had finally tied the dress tightly, so it wouldn't slip and fall. She was now perfecting Lily's hair and make-up.

After a few minutes, Lily groaned, and sank to the ground, burying her head in her hands. Marlene thanked god that she was smart enough to put on a non-smudge charm, unlike last time.

Marlene crouched down next to Lily, wrapping an arm around her. "What is it?"

"What if, what if, we're not meant to marry?"

"Second thoughts, huh?"

Lily nodded.

"I thought so. Lily, Lily, Lily."

"What?"

"I still need to attach your veil."

Lily groaned, and stood up. When Lily was absolutely perfect, Remus burst in.

"Lily! Marlene! We need to get ready to enter!"

Marlene nodded, and dragged a nervous Lily into the hallway. There, seven people were waiting for them. Sirius, Remus, Peter, Frank, Alice, Mary, and Petunia, Lily's sister. Remus was next to Mary, Frank with Alice, Sirius waiting for Marlene to accompany him, and a distasteful Petunia standing next to Peter.

Most everyone else hated Petunia, and so did Marlene when she first met Petunia. Petunia had said she was only being a bridesmaid because Petunia and Lily's late parents had always wanted them to be a part in each other's weddings. Marlene then overheard a spiteful conversation between Petunia and her husband, the oaf Dursley. Marlene learned that Petunia did love her sister, even if she was a bit jealous, but her husband was very overbearing. The thought of the oaf made Marlene shudder.

"You coming, Marlene, baby?" Sirius asked suavely.

Marlene walked over and stood next to Sirius, trying not to touch him. Sirius placed an arm on her, but she slapped it away.

"Marlene! I'm offended!"

"Good. And we're not touching other than the short part when you escort me down to the altar."

Sirius pouted. "You take the fun out of everything."

Marlene turned her back to him.

Suddenly, Mrs. Potter ran up to them.

"The music's about to start! Get ready!"

She scurried out the front door, and to her seat.

As the bride's march began, the doors swung open, and Petunia and Peter walked out and up to the altar. Next were Remus and Mary, and then Frank and Alice. Marlene moaned inwardly, and took Sirius' arm, as they exited the hallway, the doors closing behind them.

Marlene took that time to soak in her surroundings. The groomsmen were wearing black suits with gold ties, and the bridesmaids were dressed in red strapless dresses, that reached the upper knee. James was at the front, in a black tuxedo, and a red and gold tie.

There were many people crowded into the small seats. James family on the right was filled with black hair, and auror friends. Marlene could recognize Kingsley Shacklebolt in the middle, and almost fainted, swooning. Lily's family and friends were on the left. Her family consisted of a few cousins, aunts, and that Dursley oaf, but that was it. However, Marlene could make out Evan, Celestina, and Bilius nestled in the front row on her side.

Marlene knew the Potters were very popular, so many people were invited to the after-party, and not the ceremony itself.

After she and Sirius had made it up to the altar, Lily came gliding out of the doors. She was alone, as her father (along with her mother) had died a few years back. She was in a simple white silk dress. If it wasn't autumn, Marlene was sure Lily would have been freezing (they were getting married on the date James had proposed, October 7th). The dress slowly arched out from the waist. The bodice was corseted, and the two simple straps fell onto her shoulders. She had minimal make-up, and a silver chain with a solitary diamond coiled around her neck. Her hair was in a French braid that had been curled into a bun. Several small crystals had been placed strategically in her hair (what? The Potters were rich). Marlene looked over at James, who was being supported by Sirius, and smiled.

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

"James Henry Potter, do you take Lily Marie Evans as your lawfully wedded wife?"

"I do."

"And Lily Marie Evans, do you take James Henry Potter as your lawfully wedded husband?"

"I do."

"I pronounce you husband and wife. You may know kiss the bride."

Marlene watched as James scooped Lily off her feet, and dipped her into a kiss.

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

"Give him back!"

Marlene was in the Potters' large ballroom, where the beginnings of the reception were taking place. Sirius, Marlene, James, and Lily were stuck greeting people, and it looked like Sirius finally cracked.

Sirius had grabbed James' arm, and was pulling him away from Lily. That didn't work out too well, seeing as James had an arm wrapped around Lily's waist. The two toppled onto the ground.

"Sirius!" James and Lily shouted.

"Ooh! Look! People!" Sirius exclaimed, pointing to a group of people coming their way.

James perked up, and groaned. "It's Moody! My boss!"

James scrambled up, helping Lily up after him.

"Congratulations," Moody said gruffly to the pair. Lily's gaze was following Moody's big electric blue eye, as he continued, "Where can I get a glass of water? My eye's been acting up again."

Lily pointed to the corner of the refreshment table.

"Thanks."

Moody limped off, and grabbed a glass of water, pulling out his eye, and dropping it in.

"Ew…" Lily groaned. James pulled her closer, and turned her head away from the eye.

Sirius turned back to the pair. "Now Lily, I don't see why-"

"I'm not giving him back!" Lily shouted. James looked proud.

Sirius sank onto the floor, crossing his arms, and pouting.

"Lily! Your dress!" Marlene exclaimed.

Lily looked down hurriedly. The lower part of her dress was now unattractively crumpled.

"Damn you, Sirius!"

"What? It's only a crumple!"

"But I want to look nice!"

"Why bother? I mean you know that James is just going to take it off later."

Marlene started giggling, as Lily threatened to crush Sirius into oblivion, and both she and James blushed.

A few more people came, and then it was time for the dinner. Marlene was placed at the long table placed on top of a raised platform along with Lily, James, James' parents, and the rest of the bridal party. Marlene was next to Lily, who was next to James, who was next to Sirius. It was way too close to Sirius for her liking.

Marlene had served herself the steak and potatoes, like everyone else. However, there had been a large plate of oysters at the end of the buffet table, from which Sirius had piled his plate high with oysters. Marlene grinned into her food at the sight of it.

The first dance was next. Lily and James had Celestina sing one of her songs (A Cauldron of Hot Strong Love), actually. Marlene could see a few talent scouts in the back looking anxiously at Celestina. Marlene smiled. She knew Celestina would one day be famous. Of course, when others started walking on the dance floor to dance, Sirius started singing 'Yellow Submarine' and the wizarding pop star band, the Hippogriff's hits very loudly and off key. Marlene grimaced at her misfortune at having to dance with him. He had kept singing, with his voice enchanted to stay extra loud. Her ears were_ still_ ringing.

"Can you feel the love tonight? I don't know the words! A something, something, something…. Something I don't know! Kings and vagabonds… La-la-la-la- very best….!" Sirius was prancing around and singing.

Marlene sighed, and shook her head. Thankfully, that was the end of the song. Unfortunately, though, Sirius needed refueling after that song.

"Cake! Cake! I need cake!"

Marlene could see Lily cracking from a mile away. Ah…. The things we do for true love…

"Fine! We will slice the cake now, if you shut up!"

Sirius nodded.

James and Lily walked over to the side of the room, where the giant cake was residing. Lily had insisted it be chocolate, and Marlene was thankful for that. Although, from the outside, it looked like a regular wedding cake, with white icing.

"Hello? Everyone?" Lily asked. "As the best man had insisted, we will be cutting the cake now."

The music stopped, and people turned to face the newlyweds, and the gigantic cake.

Lily took the cake knife, and James wrapped his hand around hers on the knife, and together the two sliced two small pieces of cake. They lifted them up, and smiled, as they smashed the cake into each other's mouth.

Sirius looked hyper at that prospect, and Marlene had to calm him down. "NO, Sirius. You will not smash cake into people."

Sirius, was not listening to her, however, and chose to run up to the cake. Sirius tore pieces out with his hands, and shoved it into his mouth, disgusting the elder people in the crowd, no… Everyone in the crowd. The last piece, though, he threw at Lily, covering her entire face.

Lily shrieked very loudly. James glared at Sirius, before turning to help Lily wipe off the cake (he would have used magic, but Lily had invited a few muggles).

"Sorry," Sirius pouted. "I could lick it off, for you."

Lily slapped him, and stomped off, James following behind.

Marlene hurried up to Sirius. "C'mon."

Marlene dragged Sirius by his ear with her to a dark corner, where she secretly conjured a straightjacket, and placing Sirius in it.

"Stay here."

Marlene turned to leave, but Sirius started whining. "But Marlene… I'll be bored! Talk to me!"

Marlene sighed, and turned to Sirius. "Fine. What do you want to talk about?"

"Oysters."

"No. Why don't we discuss what we got Lily and James for their wedding?"

"What does discuss mean?"

"I'll go first. I bought them a set of hand towels for their bathroom."

Sirius looked at her blankly.

"What did you get them, Sirius?"

"I gave them an early present."

"What?"

"A bushel of oysters."

"What did they do with that?"

"Oh, when I last saw it, it was lying in the hallway."

An old woman, who Lily had introduced to Marlene as her great aunt Emmy who was previously serving herself some punch, turned to them in shock.

"Those oysters were their wedding present?" she asked softly and nervously.

"Yes," Sirius began suspiciously. "I gave them Bob, Bobita, and some other oysters."

The old woman looked Sirius in the eye. "Where they pets?"

"No! Not at all!" Sirius declared angrily.

"They are," Marlene whispered to the lady.

"Oh," the lady squeaked, not making any eye contact. "Well, they were the oysters I cooked for the dinner."

Marlene's eyes bulged. What Sirius was going to do next would not be pretty.

"You cooked them? I ate them?" Sirius whispered, standing perfectly still.

Marlene breathed in relief. This wasn't going to be so bad. Or so she thought.

"AAAHHHHHHH!! CANNIBALISM!!"

At that moment, Lily and James reentered the ballroom, and Marlene noticed their lips were a bit swollen. The pair stared at Marlene, who swore, and dragged Sirius by the ear up to them.

"What's going on?" Lily asked.

"He found out that Aunt Emmy's oysters were Bob and Bobita."

James and Lily winced.

"C'mon, it's dessert," James said.

The three walked back to their table and sat down, dragging Sirius with them.

"Cannibalism… Cannibalism… Cannibalism…" Sirius was muttering, while clutching his legs, and rocking back and forth.

James turned to Marlene. "Marlene, you're the maid of honor, and all, so can you read Sirius' speech? Please?"

"But, I don't know it!"

"He prewrote it."

Marlene sighed, and took the slip of paper. She banged her knife on her glass, gaining everyone's attention, and stood up.

"Good evening, everyone. I'm here to make a speech. I know it's usually the best man, but seeing as he was just yelling bloody murder, is in a straight jacket, and isn't in a completely right state of mind, I will read it for him."

The crowd laughed.

"Now, don't worry. I'll try not to lose the humor, so I swear I'll read it exactly as it says."

The crowd laughed again, and Marlene really didn't know why. Then she looked down, and saw Sirius sucking his thumb.

"Right. So. Hi! I'm Sirius Black, the best mate of the groom, the best man, and god's gift to women." Marlene stopped to scoff. "Yeah right. God's thumb sucking gift to women."

The crowd laughed again.

"I would like to say now onw never imagined these two together. James was the popular Quidditch star, and Lily was the school geek."

Lily glared at the now oblivious Sirius.

"But, I was the obvious exception. I knew they were meant to be together from the start." Marlene laughed. "Sirius, you are an idiot. But, anyways. It wasn't until seventh year that I finally got the lovebirds together. James ended up with a possessive girlfriend who hated Lily. But, I squashed the wicked witch of the west, and the end. Then of course, James got Lily mad, and ended up proposing in an airport. Whatever an airport is."

Half the crowd laughed at this, and the other half looked very confused.

"Now they are getting married. I suppose I'm happy for them, but I'm still mad at Lily for stealing James from me. And a warning to Lily; hurt James, and I kill you."

The crowd laughed, but Marlene continued, "No joke."

Marlene opened her mouth to say the last line but read it, and shut her mouth tightly.

"No. I'm not saying that."

"Please?" Bilius whined from below. Celestina nodded in agreement.

"NO."

"Marlene, do it," Lily urged.

"Fine." In a strangled voice, Marlene spat out, "I would also like to add that the maid of honor, Miss Marlene McKinnon, looks very hot tonight."

"Cannibalism…"

AN: Cheesy, I know! But I couldn't think of anything better. SO shut up and review!


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